Shame & the Case of Moaning Myrtle

On this episode of the Simple & Deep™ Podcast titled "Shame and the Case of Moaning Myrtle," we dive headfirst into the complex and often overlooked subject of shame. We tackle its influence on our self-perception and the way we connect with others, addressing the unpleasant conviction of being innately flawed and feeling undeserving oThis episode of the Simple & Deep™ Podcast, "Shame and the Case of Moaning Myrtle," delves into the topic of shame and its impact on self-perception and relationships. We delve into the pervasive issue of negative self-talk, similar to the character of Moaning Myrtle in Harry Potter, and present strategies such as "Catch, Check, Change" to convert negative thoughts into positive affirmations. The discussion also covers overcoming neglect, humiliation, and fear of failure. The episode encourages self-kindness and offers practical methods for moving from shame to self-love, highlighting the journey of self-discovery and healing. Join us on this transformative path on the Simple & Deep™ Podcast.

What are the Key Takeaways?

1. You're Not Alone: Like Moaning Myrtle, we all have that nagging voice of doubt and shame. It’s a common human experience and understanding that can help us feel less isolated.
2. The Power of 'Catch, Check, Change': This simple yet effective tool can transform how we deal with negative thoughts, turning them from pessimistic to optimistic and gradually silencing the inner critic.
3. Understanding Our Core Emotional Pain Points: Recognizing feelings of neglect, betrayal, humiliation, and fear of failure is crucial. Once we understand them, we can begin healing.
4. Self-Compassion is Key: Treating ourselves with kindness and empathy is vital in moving from shame to self-love. It's about accepting our story and learning to be gentle with ourselves.
5. The Journey is Rewarding: Although challenging, transitioning from feeling shame to fostering self-love and acceptance is worth it. It’s a significant turning point that empowers us to make conscious decisions for a happier life.

Next Steps

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Transcript

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Welcome to the Simple Deep podcast, where we delve into attachment stories and intentional living. I'm your host, Wysteria Edwards, and I'm thrilled to have you here with me today. We'll be exploring the depths of all of these topics together, sharing insights, and unlocking the power hidden within your story. Let's get started. When I say the word shame, what comes to your mind? Many of us have had tremendously painful and tragic moments throughout our lives that have confirmed that we are not lovable or that there's something wrong with us. Brené Brown defines shame as this intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection. It's definitely something that thrives on secrecy and silence and judgment. If shame indeed is the loss of belonging and connection and love, then it would absolutely go in tandem with insecure attachment. Because That is at the root of us feeling as though we are worthy of love, that the world is a safe place, and that people are trustworthy. As I thought about sharing this topic with you, I knew that it would bring up a lot of different things. So as you're listening, please give yourself the space emotionally if you need to take a moment and think about these things. And if a story does come up for you, I think it would be an awesome opportunity for you to sit down and try to write it out. Now you might not have all of the details, so as I'm telling the story that I'm going to tell you, I don't have all of the details, but what I do know is what the setting looked like. So one of the ways that we go through a story with story work is that we're going to set the scene. What do we know? about the story. So the story I'm going to tell you is, it's a place in my elementary school in Spokane, Washington, and I was in first grade, so I was six years old, because I have an early birthday, and I was in the bathroom across the hall from my classroom, and I remember being there with a little girl named Jamie. Now Jamie was, in my opinion, absolutely exquisitely beautiful and had these great clothes. and for some reason I knew that she had a lot. So I think I had gone over to her house to play a couple times and she just seemed to have all the greatest toys and everything seemed to be just wonderful and loving and perfect in her life. So I really adored her and we'd done bluebirds together and I just assumed we were friends. I asked her if we could play at recess and she said to me, Wisdy, I can only play with you when Brooke isn't there. And I remember being really confused by that, and I said, okay, why? I remember the feeling in my body in that moment, I was coming face to face, like cognitive dissonance is what we call it, what we know versus what we are experiencing. I had never, up to that point, that I can remember, felt other than everyone else. So, she was drawing a line in the sand. She would be my friend only if Brooke wasn't there, and then she added on at the end of that statement, because your daddy is not a lawyer or a doctor. And mind you, Jamie's dad was a firefighter, so that didn't make any sense, but as a child, I didn't even go there. But the saddest part of the story, friends, was the fact that I remember saying, okay, I was willing to live on breadcrumbs. just to be her friend. I'll be your friend if she's not there. So I'm instantly not cool enough to hang out with them. And it was the moment when I recognized that somehow what my daddy did was not as honorable as what their daddies did. But to me, my daddy was the world. He went to work every day. He was super strong. He He worked tirelessly, came home dirty. I never remember seeing his hands not stained with mortar and mud from doing bricklaying. It's funny though that that moment chiseled into my heart as a child. So what story comes to your mind when I say shame? And this is not something I want you to really overthink, and if nothing pops, that's fine. But I want you to kind of ruminate on that, and then if something comes to the surface later today, or maybe perhaps tomorrow, or throughout the week, notice it. because that story is going to come back to you like an image or a feeling and you're going to be surprised at what might come up as you start to give yourself permission to remember. This story would not necessarily be something that many people would consider traumatic, what happened to me, but it is. That is what we consider developmental trauma because it was a marker. That marker set the precedence for me to look a little bit differently at myself and that is the first tragedy. The first tragedy of a child saying, oh my gosh, there's something wrong with something that I can't even control. It's not like I had any say over what my dad did for a living or what they considered or deemed worthy of being in a friendship circle. And because of that, what we do is we either overcompensate, like, I remember making sure that she came to my birthday, but I didn't give her the invitation in front of these same girls. I can still name each of the girls that were in this click. Some of them have gone on to be highly successful, but that didn't change that one moment. It didn't change when my mom told me years and years later that, you know her dad was addicted to cocaine, right? That one moment changed things for me because it showed me that somehow I was on the outside looking in. Perhaps you've been told throughout your life that you're too much. You were not born to be subtle. And oftentimes when people are overwhelmed by something amazing, something bold, something that's full of light, something that is willing to say the truth, they want to kick it out. They want to say that it's not as good as it is. Dan Allender says that we're not always really all that worried about telling God that we think that we are broken or sinful, but it's we're afraid of our own glory. The things within us that are supposed to move and change and bless the world, those are the things that people love to shame because they are scared of beauty and goodness. But we have to be able to hold that beauty and brokenness in the same story. It's the tragedy that propels our story forward. It's not always the easy things. Tragedy prepares us for the fact that we're going to become who we are meant to be because of it, if we choose to embrace it. So whatever has broken our hearts is actually meant to arouse this deep anger and a hell no within us. As we go through our story, we can go back to those places and reparent ourselves by taking a knee in our mind with our pen and saying to the child that we were, that was so not okay for her to say that to you. That did not mean that you were less valuable just because You didn't fit some criteria that little girls made up. So many of us have had moments where we were not chosen and some of us were not chosen because of anything that we did or didn't do wrong. My son chose one summer to not do tourney team baseball. He wanted to go to Yellowstone for the summer. He loves trips. And so He asked us if he could go to Yellowstone, and so we said, Absolutely, but you're not going to be able to do this tournament team. And at that point, he had been doing really well. He was learning how to pitch. His coach had been fantastic that year, and it was just, it was an awesome opportunity. But even as a young boy, this was like, Intermediate, almost going into middle school. The moment that Benjamin decided that he was not going to be on that turn team, shame, shame on you because guess what? Now you are never gonna play any varsity sports. You are no longer in the cool club. And the next year when it came down to the coach's son. And him, well that was pretty obvious that he wasn't getting on the team. So there's my child, stronger, bigger, and wiser than half of the kids that were on his team because now he's a 5th or 6th grader with 3rd graders, and he's throwing up to 80 some miles per hour my friends. Now it wasn't always like super straight and sometimes it was wonky. He was slamming things out of the park. And people were getting mad because when he would throw a pitch and it would hurt the kids, he wasn't playing with the kids that were at his caliber anymore because he didn't make that cut. But yet he still had all of those abilities and it, you couldn't hide it because now it really stood out because all of those kids were playing on a different field and he was playing with kids that were so much littler than him. But the greatest thing happened. One night, that team, that he should have been on, were playing right next to us, and Ben rushed it, and he heard one of the coaches say, Stee, said the other coach, I told you he was supposed to be with us, and it was the most glorious thing. But there's so many times in life where we don't get that shining moment to be like, and that's what you get for not putting me on the team. I've had probably more moments throughout my life where I was left in the wilderness because I'd been cast out. Shame is often the lie that you are too much. And so, if you are someone that can see things very clearly, you're not afraid to speak your mind, You are strong enough to hold your own. The mob won't like that. The people who want to fit in, going back to Brene Brown again, she said the opposite of belonging is fitting in. Maya Angelou had said the fact that she only belonged to herself was actually the greatest treasure because She didn't have to belong anywhere to belong. She belonged to Maya. And I want to believe that so wholeheartedly because I've had to live that way over and over and over again. But the thing is, we desire to be found. We desire to be with our people, our tribe, the people that understand us. The people that get us. and it's not going to be a lot of people, especially if people are not wanting to do the hard work of looking at their story because not everybody wants to heal it. A lot of people just want to forget. A lot of people don't want to go back. So I'm going to applaud you for the fact that you are listening to this podcast because that means that you care about where you are, where you have been, and where you're going. At the end of my life, I want to be able to get there and think to myself, yeah, I did my best. I loved the people I was supposed to. I said the things that I needed to say. And oftentimes when we say the truth out loud, we're going to lose people. But those people aren't really lost. It's actually a realignment for us. It's aligning us to our purpose. As you get healthier, more attuned, more secure, you're going to see that you will lose people and different things along the way because it's making space for more. When shame hits, you might feel tight in your chest, begin to breathe shallow, or your heart might begin to race. You could feel heavy or slow and want to hide away. Eye contact might become really uncomfortable for you and you might sh into yourself or get super angry and protect yourself from being exposed. So I want you to pay attention to these physical signs of shame because they can open up new ways. for you to heal. But the first thing we have to do is we have to notice it. Shame is often rooted from deep wounds in our childhood, especially from those who've experienced developmental trauma. It's like carrying around a huge, heavy backpack filled with old, unhelpful stories about ourselves. I heard someone say that your critical self That voice that you hear in your head almost becomes so secondary like background music or elevator music that we don't even hear it anymore. It's important that we peek in and notice those narratives that are constantly playing. and see if those are things that we would tell a good friend. I'm always the problem. Maybe that's something you hear. After hearing this from a young age, it's like you've got this tape playing over and over in your head and it's making it really hard for you to see things the way they are. They're not just situations, they are all of the bad things that you think about yourself. No one wants to hear what I have to say. If you were shushed or ignored when you were trying to express yourself when you were younger, it's so easy to start believing that your voice doesn't matter at all, or that people don't even want to hear it before you even start speaking. Here's another one. I must be perfect to be loved. This belief often comes from growing up in environments where love and the approval felt conditional or hot and cold, which is very, very normal when it comes to anxious attachment. I don't deserve happiness. When early experiences teach you that happiness is fleeting and it's not meant for you, it's tough to shake off that suspicion that you don't deserve good things in your life. It's dangerous to trust other people. If trust has been broken repeatedly over and over again, it makes sense that your heart might be boarded up and weary of letting anyone too close. I'm too much. When you get those looks for talking a little too long or being a bit too passionate about something that matters to you, it's like those people are saying to you that you need to dial it down and be a little less yourself. To combat these shame attacks that come into our lives and these inner critics. The first step is just to notice them, to welcome them in, and recognize that they're really there to teach us something about ourselves. Instead of thinking about the inner critic already as a person that's within yourself, a part of yourself, to actually step back from it. and name it. Think of a book that you've read or a TV show that you enjoyed and come up with a character and that character is like a monster or it's, it's someone that shows up and they're going to criticize you every time you make a mistake, every time that there's some vulnerability. It's any time that you feel as though you're falling short. So the one that bind was Moaning Myrtle from Harry Potter. She's a character that is an embodiment of our own inner critic. She resides in the walls of the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, particularly in the Women's Bathroom. Myrtle is known for her constant weeping and lamenting over events of the past. She drowned in the bathroom. where she now resides as a ghost due to her confrontation that led her to her untimely demise. Her character is perpetually stuck, dwelling on moments of shame and embarrassment, much like our inner critic harps on our faults, insecurities, and perceived failures. This metaphor lies in her inability to move on, illustrating how the inner critic in us traps us in this vicious cycle of negative self talk, and it's going to prevent us from seeing our own growth and our potential. So, like Myrtle gets caught up in her past flaws and misfortunes, our inner critic confines us to this state where moving forward just seems daunting, it seems absolutely impossible. Recognizing and addressing this inner critic is much like how the characters in the series have to interact with Myrtle. They can help us learn to manage them and not allow them to define our entire existence. Let's try practicing this. Because our body and our nervous system react as if a trauma is reoccurring and causing the wounds to resurface until they heal, it's an opportunity to look closer at the wounds that came to us in the first place. Every wound is seeking healing, but it requires the appropriate environment to do so. We welcome Myrtle, but the first thing we do is we just say, Hi Myrtle, I see that you're here. And we visualize kind of doing battle for us. Does she come with a cape? Does she always show up right before I'm about to do something that is brave? Or I state my mind, or I'm going to say my opinion in a staff meeting? When does Myrtle show up for me? Once you decide who this is for you, I want you to have compassion and kindness for them. Recognize that this character came into your life to protect you. At one point in your life, something really hurt you. Relationally, physically, in some way. What age were you when you first were wounded like this? Can you remember a story much like the one I started with? It, it seemed pretty tame compared to other things that could have happened to a six year old, but it was crushing to my spirit, to my self worth. And often we can trace it back to what we would call core wounds. The wounds of rejection, abandonment, betrayal, neglect, humiliation, inadequacy, worthiness, or a fear of failure. Our inner critic often originates from these actual fundamental wounds and then these same wounds are activated when we believe that we've fallen short of our own or others expectations in our current moment. By recognizing and delving into the roots of these, which are often rooted in our insecure attachment, we can embark on this journey of healing and liberation from this cycle of shame. And we can recognize that there is the trauma story and then there is the present wise self that is coming alongside the child we once were to find a way through it. One of my favorite strategies that I have learned over time. To combat that negative inner narrative, that dialogue, that inner critic, is called catch, check, change. I'm going to give you an example of what I would do when Myrtle shows up. She's screaming at me, you know, everyone thinks that you have nothing to contribute right now. Hey Myrtle! up? Thanks so much for showing up to help me. I'm the wise adult now and that's actually not totally true and so that's not a helpful thing to tell me right now. I'm not a failure and how about we reframe that together so that you can see that I really can actually learn from this. I have things that I can contribute and I can also learn from the people around me. So can we agree on that Myrtle? I totally value that you're here to help me and I would love your input but remember setbacks really don't define me. So, we're gonna do a huge shift here to a kinder thought to myself. Now I'm gonna change the thought. So, did the best given the circumstances that I had. It's all about growth, Myrtle, even when it's tough. That negative thought, all of those things that we discussed earlier, the things that constantly play in your head, I'm too much, people aren't going to love me, they're going to abandon me, I have to be perfect at this, I don't deserve happiness, it's dangerous to trust people. Find that thought and grab it, recognize it, and look at it from a wise, kind perspective. That that is a thought that is trying to help you stay safe. Because we don't want to be wounded again. Because those wounds felt like death to our souls as children, as infant. It's a wonderful, beautiful thing that our body wants to make it better. And now that wound has a chance to be brought to the light for you to tend to it, to clean it out, just like you would if there was a wound that was infected, you would clean it and soothe it and bandage it. And you might have to do that many, many times. Because these are the wounds and scars that shaped us. These are the caverns where we found the greatest sorrow, but also solace. Places that we learned to allow us to be shaped so that we could remain alive. Slowly you will begin to see that that inner critic, that part of you, is actually you as a child. Many of the places I needed to heal were around three and four years old. There's the story that I told you at the age of six, perhaps that's when you were nine or twelve. But somewhere along the way you encountered shame, and it made you feel naked, exposed, and afraid. What gives you the most anxiety when you think of it? Others finding out the truth, not knowing the truth about what you need to do. What makes you feel the most exposed? That is a place where you should look deeper. If you could come alongside yourself as a young child, what would you say? I can tell you that several of my students are dealing with some really hard things, and I have a little boy in my class who we will say is named Adam, and Adam is dealing with so many components of developmental trauma. He's disorganized, his mother is a recovering addict, and recently during one of the conferences she said to me, I can't handle him anymore so I told him I'm gonna make him go live with his dad. My heart dropped and I said, have you said this to him? And she said, of course I've told him. His behavior has slowly decreased into this place where he's hitting people in the face and he's becoming more and more disorganized. And she's complaining to me about this. And I'm watching him cleaning up the blocks on the floor from his infant sister. And I'm thinking to myself, it's pretty obvious that since this happened, and she said these words to him, he no longer feels worthy, connected, wanted, or loved. So just today, friends, before podcast, we were cleaning up centers. I put my hands on his face. And I said, I need to tell you something. I know that there's a lot of sadness over the idea of mommy sending you to daddy's house. And he said, yeah. And I reminded him, I love you very much. And you are always safe right here. And you are wanted. And you are enough. And You are not a bad boy. I want you right here and I will be here to love you and to take care of you and to let you know that you're enough for me and we will get through this together, you and me. And he took an enormous big breath and let out a huge sigh, just relief, to know that we are found in at least one person. Is coming home. But I think that there is many children, little girls that are sitting there waiting for you to see them and to tell them, you know, that was a big fat lie. You were just as good as those other little girls. It didn't matter what your daddy did for a living. In fact, I think those little girls. We're jealous of the fact that you could do so many things that they couldn't. There are so many lies that we believe, but when our heart is hungry, we'll eat them. So our job now is to help ourselves know that we are worthy of good things. Not toxic, not moldy bread, but really good, nutritious things for our life. Things that build us up, not just the tiny little things that might get us through the day. Simple We're going to continue to go into shame and worthiness and what it means to combat. Voices and narratives that continue to play over and over in our hearts. But remember that as we go through this process, it is really brave work. To embrace your story is one of the hardest and most rewarding things you will ever do. And I'm proud of you. So very proud. Until next time, take care of yourself because you are important. for tuning in to this episode of Simple Deep Podcast. I hope that you enjoyed our conversation and found it enlightening and empowering. Remember, by understanding attachment, engaging your story, and living intentionally, we can transform our lives. Feel free to reach out with any questions you might have. And remember, until next time, take care of yourself, because you are important.