Radical Acceptance: List It, Imagine It + BONUS Meditation: Labeling and Feeling Your Emotions

What stories are you telling yourself, and how are they shaping your reality? In this episode, we promise to unravel the transformative practice of radical acceptance, guiding you through techniques that harness the power of imagination and visualization to rewire your brain and shift your perspective. We'll help you break free from unrealistic expectations and conditioned responses, particularly in relationships, by fostering self-awareness and embracing healthy, actionable behaviors.

Inspired by Elizabeth Gilbert’s "Big Magic," we delve into the healing power of creative writing and emotional processing. We offer practical advice on engaging in guided meditation, yoga, and utilizing self-talk and affirmations to build resilience and transform pain into strength. This episode empowers you to honor and validate your emotions, recognize their messages, and cultivate self-compassion to create a sense of safety and worthiness. Join us in choosing wellness, understanding our values, and embracing opportunities for growth, even amidst betrayal and heartache.

Chapters

• 0:00 Deep Dive Into Radical Acceptance
• 12:53 Radical Acceptance: List it! Imagine!
• 31:21 Guided Meditation: Labeling Your Feelings

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

So we've taken two episodes to talk about the first four steps of radical acceptance, that being observing the reality and the reason something happened, and then practicing accepting it with our whole self, using self-talk and mindfulness and imagery. We're going to go even deeper into that with the idea of listing all of the behaviors that we'd like to engage in and what it would feel like to do those things, and then imagining it. One of the things that is so beautiful about working with young children is that they have imagination, and if they don't, then I spend time talking about imagination and what that looks like, and I think that we often forget about the power of our mind. I think that we often forget about the power of our mind. I was recently doing some trauma-informed yoga and she talked about the fact that our muscles have that memory and we can recreate or create new neural pathways by just imagining something over and over again, and then it can become our reality. So the stories within us influence our emotions and our thoughts. Our reality, so the stories within us influence our emotions and our thoughts. So what we have to do first is ask ourself what story is coming up for us, if there is something that's very difficult for us to accept, and then we think about what emotions does that bring up in our body, and then go into a deeper place of what thoughts is that producing?

Speaker 1: 1:24

We're going to list all the behaviors that we would like to engage in if we did already accept the facts as they are and then engage in those behaviors as if we already accepted them as facts. For instance, if you know that a friendship has come to an end and you didn't get to say what you needed to say, what behaviors would you engage in that would get you to a place where you would stop obsessing about the thing that you had lost or the friendship you thought it was. Perhaps you need to do some type of closure, where you write a letter that you don't send, or you vent something out to a trusted friend who is not going to be influenced by what you're saying to them. What I'm saying, friends, is that we have to do certain things to be able to get past our own expectation of a situation, because expectations really do set us up for disappointment, and oftentimes we don't even realize why we have that expectation. But one of them is clearly, especially when it's relational we take people at their word when they say that we are a friend or they do many things along the way that signal to us that they are safe and then they betray us. The way that signal to us that they are safe and then they betray us. That is devastating to our system and it also makes us feel unsafe, emotionally and possibly physically unsafe, and it makes us question our reality. So what we need to do first is imagine the fact that this is not going to be the end of us. This is not going to be the final chapter of anything for us, but it's an opportunity to learn and to grow and to change.

Speaker 1: 3:12

I heard this great quote again this morning where a poet said at one point, someone gave me the gift of a box of darkness, and it wasn't for a while until I realized that that box of darkness was also a gift, because within our heartache and our disappointment and our disillusionment, we come to greater depth and knowledge of who we are and what we believe, and also helps us establish some non-negotiables. Not just these are are red flags and I'm never gonna do this again, but really questioning what we value and if you're coming against something over and over and over again where you're being betrayed, that you are being ostracized, that you are being bullied, that you are being put down. It's an opportunity for you to take a step back and list those behaviors of. This is what I usually do. But what would those behaviors look like if I chose different, if I chose wellness, if I chose me?

Speaker 1: 4:19

Because oftentimes we have been programmed through a conditioning that we have to become something else for other people in order to keep love. And that's what insecure attachment does, is it does whatever it takes to not lose quote love or connection with other people, regardless if it's genuine and authentic. We just don't want to lose it. We don't want to be alone. So that is one of the catalysts that drives this desire to stay tethered to people and situations and places that do not bring life to us. So one of those ways that we look back at it is saying what is the reality of the situation? And then what are the reasons that I'm here? And one of those could possibly be that we are refusing to do the work to make ourselves well, to really examine our story and ask questions about what places or times in my life did I choose to believe this lie about myself or other people.

Speaker 1: 5:20

And that doesn't mean that we're not going to continue to have moments that are difficult and heartbreak, but it gives us a different lens to look through, because oftentimes we look through our wound at everything. We look out into the future with anxiety and we look back into the past with depression and we're constantly not in our present moment, and so radical acceptance calls us back to a place of calm, but also a place of true self-awareness and honesty where we can say this genuinely sucked, but I am going to choose to step into it and look closer at it, because often the things that we are the most afraid of give us tremendous insight into where we are going next Well, hurdles. That will be a lot easier if we just stop and look, but there are lessons that will keep coming back to us until we learn them. I remember one time I was on a teaching team and this woman was devastated that I was reteaching reading strategies. But the thing is, for instance, that people don't always get what they need to learn the first time, so we spiral back, and that is what life is like If we continue to not learn the lesson, it's going to come back to us in many different ways in context, themes, patterns come back to us in many different ways in context, themes, patterns, all of those type of things because that is where we find the power to be able to go through it, learn from it and use it to bless other people.

Speaker 1: 6:54

And it becomes part of our story, because our heartbreak is written on our life and I believe wholeheartedly that God uses that in turn to flip it on its head. When we finally embrace it, we don't say that it's our identity, but we say this is something I've experienced, because the world is desperate to know that there is hope, and that is you and that is me. That is how we are able to function with each other and know that there is something bigger and better coming down the way for us. It's a really freeing concept to think about that we can identify with each other's wounds and scars and that in that identification we find the freedom to know that there is a human experience that we are all living, that there is a human experience that we are all living, regardless of what we believe about God or other people or what circumstances that we are in or have been in. There is a human story that is going on throughout the world, and those same desires to be known and seen and heard and honored are with all people, and so that actually helps us unite with other people and it makes us interkinetic. So it's an amazing process.

Speaker 1: 8:11

But I also believe that it is fundamental in us really understanding other people that there are some commonalities, and so one of those is just to really look deeply into our story that we do here at Simple and Deep. We're gonna be doing that through some coaching work that's coming up, as well as other opportunities that you'll have to really engage those specific stories and the narratives that you're telling yourself about certain situations that were created through experience and through other people sharing their stories with you, and oftentimes, if we've been enmeshed with our caregivers, we will swallow their own stories as our own, and so we untether from them as we heal. So, as you imagine, I want you to see the movie in your mind. When I was teaching reading strategies to older children, that is something we talked about a lot about comprehension. You imagine I want you to see the movie in your mind when I was teaching reading strategies to older children. That is something we talked about a lot about comprehension and that when comprehension breaks down, it's kind of like those of us who grew up in the 80s had this static TV where after a certain time it would go off and we would just have static, and so that is kind of the same thing concept that I want you to think about. So if you're having a difficult time imagining, I want you to stick to it, I want you to practice some mindfulness and I will link some ideas down in the show note and also I will include a guided meditation for you to be able to access your feeling.

Speaker 1: 9:40

If you have insecure attachment, especially avoidant attachment, you're going to have a difficult time labeling your emotions and also talking about where you feel them in your body somatically. So be patient with yourself as it comes gradually, because you're basically every time you repractice and redo a practice like mindfulness or visualization, you're telling your body it's safe to stay here for a while and tell me things. Our bodies are incredibly intuitive and they want to tell us things and they start to talk louder if we don't listen. Case in point I've been in a traumatic toxic situation in the workplace and so for me I could ignore that because I was resilient, but it wasn't until my body started to shut down that I couldn't ignore it anymore. So what is it in your life that you are not wanting to accept? Or there might be something that you know, that you know, but you don't want to acknowledge that you know it. That was a lot of no's, but I think you get it.

Speaker 1: 10:49

I'll say it again there might be something that you know, that you know, that you know, but you don't want to say out loud that you know it. Something that you need to access, something you need to name, something you need to ponder, and some place where you need to be held in the context of a story, whether you're writing it out or speaking the story out loud to a trusted coach or friend. You need to get it out of your body, because what happens is secrets and trauma poison us and our inability to access some of those places becomes even more dangerous for ourselves and for others if we don't acknowledge the real truth. And acknowledge is one of our last steps that we will get to, but that's a process of every day. You might have to say, yes, my spouse cheated on me. Yes, I have cancer. Yes, this person is no longer here. Yes, I am unemployed, whatever you might need to say to yourself, it's not your reality, but it's the truth of the situation. It's just the fact Now.

Speaker 1: 11:55

Now you're going to go into your mind and think about what would it look like and you get to dream. Dreaming and visualizing things is so healthy for our brain and our heart and our body If we come to a place where we allow ourselves the gift of time to really dive in to these inner places. There's a place in you that you've accessed maybe a handful of times, where you and God, universe, what you believe in, are complete, where you can fully show up to dream, to have whatever feelings you have and they are okay and for you to have the faith and the ability to access all of the things that make you feel whole. And you have the right to stay there and go there often. But it comes with allowing yourself the freedom to recognize where you need to dream it into, exist, to see yourself being successful.

Speaker 1: 12:53

On my desk while I was writing my last book, I had the words write light. I came across this great idea that someone said, where they said just write like. You're already a New York Times bestseller Write like. This is your fourth book in a series that billions of people have read Write like you. Don't have to prove anything to anyone. Elizabeth Gilbert talks about that in her book Big Magic, which I recommend wholeheartedly about being creative, and she said please don't go off and be creative for anybody else. Be creative for yourself, because you desire to create.

Speaker 1: 13:29

So this is that place where we want to inhabit, as we visualize, accepting something that has been so freaking hard, accepting something that has broken your heart and shattered you, and I want to tell you wholeheartedly that I am so sorry if that has happened to you and, knowing the world we live in, it has, and perhaps you haven't accessed that yet, and there will be grief, but grief is a cleansing process. If we just let it come, let it be and don't try to run from it, because it's here to teach you. It's here to teach you something about yourself, the world and how you want to be in the next few steps that you take, because it's not like we get a roadmap of where we're going. We get like the very next step and oftentimes it's like half of a step. For me, sometimes it feels like it's one knee as we're crawling out of a pit someone else has thrown us into.

Speaker 1: 14:29

Wherever you find yourself, there is freedom on the other side. So, as you're imagining and you're thinking about going into your broken heart and accessing these places and seeing in your mind's eye what it would look like if you were actually able to forgive, to set yourself free, not to allow what they've done, but to say I'm not going to sit here and obsess over this and I'm not going to think about plotting against them and I'm not going to think about giving this one more iota of my energy or time if it is robbing you. Right, and that is a process, and sometimes it's a daily process, and sometimes it's an hourly process, sometimes it's a minute by minute process. But you say it to yourself I want to be free, I want to access these places, I want to take out the trash and I want to be able to live with radical acceptance.

Speaker 1: 15:27

As you listen to the guided meditation that I will connect to this episode, give yourself the room and the space to feel whatever you feel and then, when you're done, take note of it. Did you feel heavy? What sensations did you feel in your body? Did you feel warm? Did you feel something tingle? Did you feel warm. Did you feel something tingle? Did you feel emotions come up?

Speaker 1: 15:52

I would also encourage you to access any type of yoga where they're working on the hips and the pelvis, because the hips, the pelvis, the jaw, those are places where old emotions and old trauma are present. So if all of a sudden you do some yoga and a couple hours later you start to cry for no reason, be aware it's working, it blows my mind sometimes, because I didn't grow up with that kind of attunement and so I found that through music and I found that through watching people. But now, as I do simple movements, with just moving your ankles one way or the other, it's accessing your hips and it's unblocking things. So I would definitely encourage you to look into that as well. So just to review now we've said we observe what's going on and we noticed like that we're having a hard time with the reality of a situation. And then what is that reality? That's step number two to remind ourselves that this is unpleasant, feels icky and simply what it is. I cannot change it.

Speaker 1: 17:03

We've talked in the past about the serenity, prayer, courage to accept the things I cannot change, and wisdom to know the difference, the reason, reminding yourself that there are causes for the reality that you're in, and some of them were your choosing. We do participate in our own suffering and if you feel like you deserve whatever happened, that is also something we need to examine and we can examine through story work. And then we're going to practice, practice, accepting with our whole self, using self-talk, affirmations and telling ourselves that we can do it, even if we don't believe it. I've written it on a mirror, I've put it on post-it notes. Where do you need to see that you are walking into something bigger and better for yourself? Today I choose to be free. Today, I choose joy. Today, I choose. Today I choose vulnerability. Those are powerful statements that say darkness and to evil. Darkness into evil. Not today, not me, not today. Then we're going to list out those behaviors. What physical things verb do I want to see myself doing? If I already accepted this as the reality and I was no longer wrestling with the shattering but more about how am I going to clean this up and be better because of it? I'm not just going to pretend it didn't happen. That's not going to help, because it's like swallowing a bunch of glass and eventually it's going to cut away on your insight.

Speaker 1: 18:38

I heard a man talking about a story where a woman had a thorn in her arm and she would do everything she could to accommodate that. But in the end we have to take a thorn out. We can't just pretend it's not there, because that wound will continue to be a wound until it is cleaned and tended to. And then the last one would be to imagine, to allow ourselves the gift of time to be able to see a movie in our mind, of us being resilient, of us believing that we can overcome it and learn from it and bless it, not to say, oh, I'm so glad this happened to me. That is not what blessing it is. It means honoring that it happened, naming it, pondering it, understanding that it's part of our story.

Speaker 1: 19:22

But then what are we gonna do now that this is here? It's like if we had a big elephant come into the middle of the room. We got to figure out what we're going to do with it. Right, we can't just pretend it's not there and just walk around it. We'd lose a lot of where footed. But we're doing that. We're living life with the thorn in our arm Instead of taking it out. Everything starts to move around the thorn. We think about what we're wearing, we think about how we sleep on the thorn, we think about all of those components because now that thorn has become more important and integrated into our story than anything else, in our next couple episodes we're going to look at how to attend to ourselves and allow the feelings to come, to acknowledge what's really going on, and then the pros and the cons of accepting something. There's always, perhaps, something we lose and something we can gain. So I am thrilled that you will be here with me for those steps and feel free to download the free 10 steps to radical acceptance as well, as we are now taking coaching clients at Simple and Deep coaching and consulting. With that, you can book a free discovery call with myself and we will go through the goals that you have for looking at your story, dealing with your attachment, repair, all of those kind of things, because there's something inside you that is wanting to To begin.

Speaker 1: 20:57

I want you to think about why do you want to do this guided meditation? I'd like you to find a quiet place to lay down or sit still and focus in on how your belly and chest and head might be feeling at this very moment, the emotions that we associate with, all of our feelings, are going to come to the surface as you do this guided meditation and visualization, and I want you to just give yourself permission to be exactly where you are right now, sitting quietly for just a few minutes. I want you to settle into your seat, think about what the surface feels like below you. You can lay down on a bed and close your eyes, or on the floor, or you can sit up and just close your eyes. Whatever you can do to be present in the moment, and I'd like you to focus on your breathing, taking a breath in and then holding it and letting it out and again Holding it for a few seconds and out. You're noticing the sounds around you, the sensations on your skin and the sensations within your body.

Speaker 1: 22:32

Notice any thoughts that may be floating to the surface for you. Imagine that these thoughts are like icebergs. The thought is what we see at the surface of the water, but beneath the surface there's a much larger part your emotions. For example, if we are thinking about our long to-do list and how we're never going to get it done, the emotion below the surface might actually be anxiety or guilt If we're struggling with an argument that we had with a loved one. The underlying energy might be sadness or a feeling of abandonment. These can be very old feelings.

Speaker 1: 23:17

What emotions are beneath your thoughts right now? Can you name them? You can say it out loud or you can just think them. When you notice the temptation to get lost in any story, I feel sad or I don't know what to do or what. If I try talking to her or him, I want you to gently return to the emotion. I feel sad, I feel angry, I feel hurt, I feel lonely. Notice if there are any emotions lurking around that might feel less difficult. Is there any joy, relief, excitement? There is space for all of these emotions to coexist right now in your body. Every time a thought arises, name the emotion if you can beneath it, because there is an unseen part of it. Continue naming the emotions until it feels as though you've named all your current resident emotions and don't worry if more pop up. It's never too late. See if you can feel where these emotions are living in your body. This is a practice that takes some time to establish, so be very patient with yourself.

Speaker 1: 25:19

We are not accustomed to taking note of what we're feeling in our bodies, unless it's an acute pain or an open wound, and as children, we may have learned very early that emotions were unsafe, unvalued, dismissed, ignored or they caused us pain. So one way to do this is to look for any tightness in your body. Do you feel any? What could it possibly be trying to tell you? Is there anywhere else that you feel this? Or just right in this one spot? Try taking your hand and placing it gently where you feel this emotion or tension or feeling, sending love to this spot, care and concern, acknowledgement that you see, that you hear and that you feel. Another way that emotions can come to the surface is through a tingling sensation or a fluttery feeling or clenching of the muscle. You might even feel actual pain or feel as though you're going to cry, and that is okay, just let it go. If tears come, welcome them. We want this to be a place that does not hold any judgment, where your authentic self can come and rest. This is part of reparenting yourself and giving yourself more of the good things that you needed.

Speaker 1: 27:25

Now we're going to try to go through the body bit by bit. First starting at the crown of your head, your ears, your jaw Oftentimes, a lot of anger, anxiety, get trapped in our jaw or our throat. What do you feel in your throat? Have you been silenced? Has someone taken away your voice or your opinion? Have you not been able to speak up against something that you felt was unjust? Your chest Do you feel tightness? Do you feel tightness? Shoulders what about your back? Working down your body, your arms, your fingers? Now we're in the center of your body with your heart. Many times when we are sad, discouraged, fearful, we will feel that right in the center of our chest abandonment, the dull ache of not knowing what's next, the reminder that we have been betrayed or left behind. Moving down our body more we're now to our abdomen, our digestion, our reproductive organs, many places where trauma can reside, and here is your pelvis, your hips, where the deepest emotional wounds reside. I want you to imagine allowing the things that are catching there and holding there to be released. Taking a deep breath in allowing the things that are catching there and holding there to be released. Taking a deep breath in Moving down your legs. How do those feel? Now we're to your knees, the lower legs and your feet.

Speaker 1: 30:24

If you've noticed any feelings in any of these places, I want you to observe them, but don't interact with them. Just observe where you feel tightening, tingling and sensations. It is human to have emotions. It means we're alive. It is human to have emotions. It means we're alive. We are feeling them in our yeses and our nos. Our feelings were confused by this.

Speaker 1: 31:21

If you've been preoccupied for some time, you may not have noticed that these feelings have come to tell you things, or you may not want to be experiencing these emotions at all. Is there a way that you could allow your feelings to just be here with you? The reality is they are here. The fact is they're trying to tell you something. They tell us what needs to be healed and they tell us what we need to know. See if you can pull up a chair next to the fluttering feeling that you have, or the tension or buzzing that you felt, and experience it. Notice if there's any fear that's coming up around doing such a thing as that and notice that's very natural. If something feels too traumatic or jarring or it doesn't feel safe to feel it yet, then please just let it go. For now.

Speaker 1: 32:55

What is the message that your body or self is wanting you to hear? If it could speak to you because it is. It could be I'm here. It might be you are loved or I am loved. I'm here now. I am safe. Some other examples might look like it's safe to be here. I am safe. Some other examples might look like it's safe to be here. It's safe to do this. I'm doing my best in this moment. Or maybe it's just one word forgiven I am worthy. You may need to place your hand gently on your chest or your stomach and repeat this message to yourself, kindly and gently, until you notice a shift. I am worthy, my feelings make sense. I see worthy, my feelings make sense. I see it, I see them and I see me. I am worthy. Say it to yourself I am worthy. No-transcript.